maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
are you so shy because you have an std?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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