TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize