next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
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