I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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