I hope mine doesn't look like that
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
foreskin is a definite game changer
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
