i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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