The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
