Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
