How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
