I wish my penis had an off switch
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize