Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Randomize
