I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
