my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize