wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I am midnight drunk by noon
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
