she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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