it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
