You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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