I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
