I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
