I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
