All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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