I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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