We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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