I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize