she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
