She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
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