so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
