My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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