remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
