I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
