Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
