I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
