Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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