from now on my penis is your penis
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
