I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
