I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
