Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
