new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
