i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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