I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
