I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
it's like iHOP with fire
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
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