Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
