I wish life had little blips of pornography
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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