I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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