Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
