im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
she woke up with a sticky ear
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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