dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize