My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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