you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
