Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
