Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
