I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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