remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Randomize
