my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
