why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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