u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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