we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
how does that bad decision feel?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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