meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
