Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
