I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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